I called, I called everyone I can call an old friend. I guess I wasn’t clear. I was falling apart and asking for some tape to hold me together. Some answered and some didn’t but no one had anything resembling anything sticky. So I set out by myself. I found newer friends who didn’t have anything more important to do, who didn’t have plans. I found my stitches at the bar and my bandages in the band and no one I knew for too long was really bothered at all. I held it together with spit and bailing wire, gifted from those who don’t even know what “moose” means. I guess my wasted time was on the phone and not at the pub.
As most of you probably know I have an expiration date at work. I have tried not to whine about it and remain upbeat in the face of losing a job that I actually like. In reality I’m barely holding it together. I loathe looking for a job and since I’m losing this one due to budget issues and not any reason of my own making it makes this all the worse. I’ve been looking for a job for two months and had a single interview. Last week was pretty amazing in that I had about seven calls from recruiters but nothing has materialized as of yet.
I’ve also been going and blowing for about two months straight without taking a real day off and doing nothing. Some people can do that but with the stress I’ve got going on there’s not a chance I could keep it up. So today I did nothing at all. It was glorious. Michelle, bless her heart, made sure that I didn’t have to do anything of note. I caught up on some TV and played tower defense games all day. I don’t know if it’s helped my stress level but it sure was fun.
Tomorrow we get to go to the new church we’ve been attending, which I really enjoy and see some really great people. I don’t count that as doing anything that would qualify as stressful and so my weekend will be free of obligations. I needed this weekend.
I’m not sure why I’m writing all this here. I’ve had the best of intentions about writing more here but we all know what said intentions bring. I’m sort of lost right now. I can feel it but I’m not sure why. It’s like my mojo is gone. I know I need to reach out to my friends but something that I can’t identify is stopping me from leaning on those I have always leaned on during times like this. I’m not quite sure what it is. It’s not like I’m leaning on someone new. I have always relied on old friends.
And with that little revelation becoming clear I need to sign off and ponder this little development. It’s amazing what writing things out will do towards clearing your mind.
Memento mori – Latin: Remember that you will die
My brother recently had an aneurysm burst in his head. He’s alive and recovering at home now but it’s a wake up call when your younger brother, who is in better shape than you, has something like this happen. I was scared for him, and still am to some degree, and it made me think about my kids and my wife. I need to change some things in my life so that hopefully I won’t ever scare them like this, at least not for a few more decades. Changes like this aren’t ever easy but my kids are worth making them.
Smoking is the first thing that has to go. The big secret of the cancer industry is that I probably won’t get cancer from smoking. It doubles a very teeny tiny risk. I will likely die from it though via cardiovascular problems, which are way more prevalent than cancer. Smoking makes any lung problem worse. A cold easily turns in to bronchitis then to pneumonia. COPD, hardening of the arteries, higher chances of an aneurysm bursting, heart disease, and a whole slew of other things all have a higher risk factor than cancer. Of course if that message was out there like the cancer message people might actually stop smoking. You can look up the chances of getting lung cancer and then really stop worrying. You’re very likely not getting lung cancer from smoking. And that’s where most people would stop. The problem is that the real risks are so much scarier.
So I’m on the Blu e-cig now, baby steps, and setting goals for myself each day regarding not firing up a real smoke. I’m using it to get over the humps. Once I’m on it completely I’ll worry about getting off the nicotine. I don’t like the e-cig but it actually gets me over the things that made me fail in the past so there’s a method to my madness.
There’s some other things I need to change but I think baby steps are the key here. I need to quit smoking then move on to the next thing. The more complex you make anything the better your chance of failing. Once you fail it’s harder to start over so I’m setting goals I can meet and slowly increasing them. I don’t want to fail. I want to quit.
Considering this post is about mortality, or at least that was the inspiration, here are my two favorite songs about that subject:
Glossary – Little Caney
Tim Barry – (memento mori)
For a while I’ve been getting between three and ten obviously bogus new user accounts a day. I guess my plugins catch their spam comments before they post because I never see anything in my spam folder from these users. But it’s annoying, damned annoying, so for the moment I’ve turned off new user registration until I find a solution. Since everything cross-posts to Facebook and I have comments integrated you should still be able to comment from FB. I’m looking for a solution for the annoyance but it’s not a real high priority. If I knew who you were then your account still exists but if I didn’t then it’s gone with the spammers.
I feel like there’s a chapter missing here. Mostly because there is. I’ve been through a lot since I wrote last and won’t be sharing it with the world. Suffice it to say I am still alive and kicking. I want, as always, to get back in the habit of writing here and now that I can close the chapter which I will not chronicle maybe I can get back to it. I have a lot to say about a lot of things but always no time to say it.
There’s a lot of stuff afloat at the moment. Don’t bother staying tuned. I’ll probably just flake again.